when life kills death preserves

So i was saying i was lonely. Was alone in this place and i had to study. Enjoying it at times but not always and afraid of impending failure. There were people around me who were not alone and enjoying this more than me. I didn't envy them. I just tried to steal a bit of happiness from their moods and kept hiding when they were about to find out.

I took long walks in between. At the end of the two days i looked back and saw this dark figure always with me. It was like a zombie. It had a stony expression on its face. It always walked at a regular pace and was always looking ahead. Its been with me for so long but i never saw him so clearly.

lets not make doctors out of rich idiots

I am sitting in a cafe having my evening tea with my friends, watching the pretty girls passing by the window and all of a sudden there is an alarm in the atmosphere. A bunch of people dashed across the view pushing a wheel chair with an unconscious girl lying with her head slumped in it. Next to the cafe there is this small health center to which they are obviously heading.

Isn't it miraculous work that a doctor does? This girl who is looking totally healthy, who cannot explain to him anything is brought to him and he has to diagnose the problem that's hurting her, may be immediately or after a bunch of tests. Many doctors have the skills to diagnose complex diseases or problems of their patients, which are not obvious from the symptoms.

My thoughts are going to one place. The way medical education works in my country. I find it hard to digest that a lot of opportunities to study medicine are granted to students who has money rather than the students who has any aptitude or the brains to do it. I am pretty sure that a person needs to be a bit intelligent to be a doctor and the whole possibility of many idiots becoming doctors just because they have wealthy parents creeps me out.

dark day

You feel the dark emotions oozing from your heart. The urge to sin is at the breaking point. I know i have the blockers for this. But look whats happening, they are conveniently blocked. Blockers blocked, is it funny. And may be its not that bad if they were gone for ever, no, just for some time until the bloody emotions take over and you sin. After that they are back in place. I was sitting next to an angel, feeling her aura. My heart cried for the people i am sinning against in silence. The aura of the angel, i thought it will purify me. How wrong am i, and how false are those tears.
I sinned. The blood of the victims were not warm, but the sight warmed me for a short amount of time.

salaam bombay

I was watching Salaam Bombay and there is this scene where Rekha, the lead female charactor, is walking down a long crowded street. Camera moves back and we see Rekha as part of the crowd, and we are also shown a guy with a transistor radio listening to a cricket match. I suddenly remembered the time when a friend of mine has told me about this scene. Rekha is in a lot of pain in that scene as she is asked by the warden of the childrens prison to let go of her child who is imprisoned there. She suggests that Rekha should let her girl be in the prison rather than around her, as she's a prostitute living in the red light area. Or she should think of giving away her to an orphanage. My friend has told me that the scene shows, a mother in deepest pain of being asked to stay away from her kid with nobody to console her while a whole nation listens eagerly to the live commentry of a cricket match. It conveyed it well i think, i dont remember sad music or tears, but it will force you to think.

happy places

Boredom is lurking around. Nothing new about it. But what makes the days special is how many times mind digress into good things. How often you get those subtle triggers which takes you to beautiful places. Most of these places i have never been to, but i stole them from movies or books. Some of those stolen ones are so much accepted that mind argues about its reality for a bit before giving up. Sometimes those triggers are obvious and easy to notice and sometimes they are so tiny and mysterious that you will never see them. The cutest one is the smell trigger. The smell of sharpened pencil which takes me to my nursery days, a particular perfume which takes me to the place where I smelled it before or the smell of a rare food item which takes me to the scenario where I had it last time.

on the way to the asylum

Strange noises, I like to make them. I used to without any stimuli in the past, but nowadays its the morning bath. The cold water touching your skull, and what's inside, a slightly crazy mind. The wayward nerves go beserk, I used to dance before, these days, I shudder. The amount of different thoughts coming in is too much to handle. I imagine what might have gone through the minds of the crazy people who were tied in a sack and submerged in cold water in mental asylums of medieval times, a way of giving shock.